Dear Paula,
About eight months ago I had affair with a local woman. I have been married for seven years and have been with my partner for nearly 11 years and I love her dearly. The woman told me that she was pregnant and I told her that she would have to give it up as I was already married.

She showed up on my door step a few weeks ago and my wife opened the door and she told her that I got her pregnant. My wife could not take it and she was quick on the phone to get the police so that I could be escorted out of our house. I didn't even get a chance to explain to her about this.
I have seen the woman a few times after the last incident when my wife found out about me and her. It's been four weeks since she kicked me out and she has never slept with anyone apart from me as I was her first lover. I love my wife but I think I really hurt her by getting this woman pregnant.

We have two beautiful children together and I want to make it work with her. I don't know what to do because she is saying that she doesn't want to talk to me even when I want to find out how my children are. She doesn't stay at our house and is spending most of her time at her parents. I want her back and would do anything to make her understand how sorry I am. Please help I miss my kids so much and don't want to go through the courts with my wife to see them.

Dear Paula writes:
You really did get the seven year itch didn't you? You say you think you really hurt her by getting the other woman pregnant but the reality is that the pregnancy only compounded the hurt of your betrayal. No-one's perfect and it's a pity that you had to get found out and she had to be hurt in such a spectacular way.

It's very unfortunate for all concerned, as you now also have a responsibility towards the other woman and the unborn child. I can imagine that you may feel very angry at this woman but she didn't get pregnant by herself and it's quite likely that your reaction to her news led to her telling your wife.

Your wife must be profoundly shocked by all this and she's not going to come round easily. She's going to need a lot of time and probably needs the comfort of being with her parents while she's so hurt. For you, missing your children is the price you have to pay, at least for the time being.

Your wife isn't going to care a jot about your feelings right now and won't want to hear from you about how you really love her. She needs to recover from the shock and it's only natural that she may want to make you suffer for the way you've hurt her. She probably doesn't even want to hear your name at the moment. You were her only man which may make the betrayal seem all the more profound to her and you have to take on board the fact that she may never trust you again.

Your best hope is that, in time, she will relent about you seeing the children as they presumably will miss you. I wouldn't advise trying to talk to her. There are no explanations or excuses you could give that will make any difference. It may be better to write to her and tell her that you understand how hurt and upset she is and that you realise she will need a lot of time to come to terms with this (if she ever does).

If you choose this route, I would advise that you accept total responsibility for your behaviour (no explanations, no excuses), let her know that you will do whatever she wants and although you realise she may never forgive you, you don't want the children to also be hurt by the loss of their dad. Don't plead a broken heart or ask for anything for yourself as she won't care right now.

I feel sorry for all of you in this situation but you will need to have patience and suffer in (relative) silence if you want to get anything back but you may have to prepare for the worst. Some people just can't recover from betrayal and it's impossible to predict who they will be. All you can do is let her know you are to prepared to wait and to suffer, and hope that time may soften her.

Your problem is that now there will always be the spectre of another child somewhere in the background. I can't really offer you any comfort or solutions I'm afraid. When such strong emotions are involved it's hard to untangle them, so if and when your wife is prepared to listen to you, you may need a couples counsellor to help you both negotiate your way through this. (www.relate.org.uk)