Dear Paula,
I'm in a relationship with a widower, and he wants me to move in with him. He had a two year relationship with a woman at the other end of the country before we met, but it faded out and she married someone else. The other day, he had a text from her, very affectionate, and since then I've found out they've been e-mailing each other. He says she's just being friendly, but one of his e-mails had what he called 'our' code, which is X XXXX XXX ( I love you), but he won't show me the e-mails she's sent him. He says it's nothing to do with me. What do you think Paula? I really need some advice here.Dear Paula writes:
If he's asking you to make the commitment of moving in with him, I think this situation does have something to do with you. It's obviously making you uncomfortable and so is not the best start for you if you're considering moving in.

It seems to me he may already be taking you for granted as he's offering you a "take me as I am and don't expect me to make any concessions' type of relationship. It's not exactly conducive to your happiness,is it? It seems to me that if his correspondence with this woman is not really important,it shouldn't be any hardship for him to give it up for you.

I'm not generally in favour of partners demanding the kind of exclusivity which means giving up friends but from what you write there seems to be more than just friendship going on here. In my view, he's being selfish and ignoring your feelings and doesn't seem ready to give the kind of commitment he's expecting from you.

I think you should be very careful about surrendering your independence by moving in with him. Why not just keep things on their present footing until you see how things are shaping up for a possible future together and what kind of commitment he's prepared to make?