Dear Paula,
I have been with my partner for 13 years and we have four children together. It has been a very rocky relationship as my partner is an alcoholic. He might not drink for months at a time but when he does our lives fall apart. He sleeps with other women, physically and mentally abuses me and he as also started to dabble with heroin to try to stop drinking. It's a totally nightmare, as when he is sober he is so very different it's hard to believe. He is my best friend and I know he loves us all very much and he has never done a thing wrong to me when sober. But my life is passing by and I keep clinging to the hope this will be his last binge and I will have the normal family life we all so deserve, but is it possible for him to stop his ways and will I ever be able to forget what he has done to me?

I feel so drained and used and the hurt is unbearable. I know that the other woman he goes to feeds him with as much drink and drugs as he wants because I won't allow him in our home if he is on either. He swears that's the reason he goes because it's like a drink den.

I have witnessed him telling this woman what she is, and he only slept with her once because she said if he didn't he would have to leave and he had nowhere to go. This was also confirmed as true by one of her so called friends . My life is so upside down I don't know how to get through each day any more can you help me in any way at all?

Dear Paula writes;
I really feel for you in this situation, seeing the person you love turn into someoneyou don't recognise, because of alcohol. Unfortunately this Jekyll and Hyde scenario isall too common with people who have an addiction problem and it's very hard for those who are close to them, as their emotions are constantly pulled in opposite directions. The addict when drinking/drugging will also frequently behave in a way they wouldn't countenance when sober and then be remorseful, but it doesn't stop it happening again.

Your husband is getting away with his bad behaviour as, so far, there have been no dramatic consequences for him. You and the children are actually paying the price. There is often plenty of support (depending on where you live) for the drinker but very little unfortunately for the partners and families, who may be suffering very badly, as you are. You need to take action, as your husband won't change unless forced to.

He needs help to overcome his addiction but is unlikely to seek it unless forced. It's up to you to tell him that next time, not only will you lock him out but that you won't allow him back until he is actively involved in a treatment programme.

Of course, it would be better if you could discuss and agree on this before the next binge and get him to see his GP re a treatment programme. If there is nothing available, then he should start attending AA meetings. They're not everyone's cup of tea but they have got thousands of people sober. He has to make the contact (www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk) and he will be given information about where meetings are held.

There are also offshoot organisations to provide support for families and you would probably find it helpful to meet people who understand what you're going through and to hear what coping strategies they have found useful.

I wish you luck with this but I'm afraid that if he won't agree to seek help, you are faced with the fact that this situation will just continue and get worse and you will have to take action to protect yourself and your children by separating from him, much as you love him.