Dear Paula,
I'm married and stupidly after being pursued for months, I started an affair with this guy. It was always on his terms in the shop where he worked as he is also married.

He didn't lead me on saying he was unhappy in his marriage, just that he fancied me and was just being a guy. I thought I could handle it but found myself having feelings for him.

Anyway, I realised I hadn't had a period for two months or more and although I'm 47 was still worried. I told him, and although I didn't expect him to be pleased, his reaction shocked me, so I just walked away. The next day, after a sleepless night, I went back to see him and he was a mess, didn't want me anywhere near him, saying he didn't want not to see me anymore but just to cool it for a while. I could still pop in for coffee at the shop etc.

The thing is, I ended up feeling sorry for him and also I need him to know I'm not this hard faced person I pretend to be, my fault I know, pretending to be somebody I'm not. I do know my feelings are too deep to carry on seeing him but do I write him a letter saying I'm sorry he's feeling so bad and explain how I'm feeling or just leave it? I don't want him to think I'm a stalker.

Dear Paula writes:
Why you should feel sorry for him is beyond me. He went into this situation very willingly and we're all accountable for our actions whatever the outcome.

You say your affair with him was on his terms, well, he didn't quite get it all his own way and when things got scary he seems to have made it quite clear you were on your own. In general, it's often easier for men than women to keep sex and emotion separate, so in your place, I wouldn't bother explaining how you feel, as it seems he only wants a very limited involvement with nothing that will rock the boat.

You also seem to have accepted these terms so I don't think you should be surprised by his current attitude. I also don't think confessing your emotional involvement will help the situation. You're probably better out of this one as it's going nowhere good for you and you've already had a good indication of that. Forget writing the letter.

You'll only be making yourself more vulnerable and from what you write, I don't get the impression he wants to know you're emotional involved. My advice would be to chalk it up to experience and try to remember what was romantic or exciting in your own marriage when it started out and see what you can do to bring some of those feelings back.

It would be unfortunate if it all blew up on you and you were left with no marriage and a load of regret because as long as affairs continue, the more chance there is of being found out.